Do you ever feel like you’ve slowly disappeared into your role of parent or spouse? Almost like you’ve misplaced the parts of yourself that used to feel so vivid? It can happen so easily.

During our first year with newborn twins, sleep was elusive. Imagine being woken every two hours, every night, for a year. Maybe you’ve been there. I remember staring at the clock at 3 a.m., bleary-eyed, thinking, What day is it? Who am I again? I wanted friends and family to come meet our babies, but I also didn’t feel awake enough to partake in quality conversation.

That’s when I started to learn how easy it is to lose yourself in parenthood.

Fast-forward a few years, and the challenge was the daily choreography of raising children while working. Being a parent sometimes feels like working in air traffic control. Two kids. Two destinations. Endless moving parts. You double-check each detail: school forms, snack sign-ups, sports schedules, the orthodontist appointment you need to confirm, and a phone that pings you with notifications all day long. You have to keep those planes safely flying in the air.

Meanwhile, your own work and home tasks keep piling up. Add a layer of how you show up as a spouse, and you can see how easily it is to lose sight of yourself.

We all have a lot.

And yet, I love being a mom and I love being married. Fortunately, I have a real partner in my husband. But the roles of spouse and parent draw your focus outward. You pour into other people. You even get introduced as “so-and-so’s mom,” and your own identity can feel a little blurry.

Plenty of my friends say the same thing: that their sense of self has been put on hold or just feels a little fuzzy because they have drifted away from who they are as an individual. They can’t find the time to pour into themselves.

So how do we stay connected to who we are while caring for and enjoying the people we love?

The first step is noticing it. Just going in with the knowledge that new responsibilities will pull at your attention helps you protect your sense of self. That awareness gives you permission to set boundaries and protect your time.

Maybe you say “no” to another volunteer request. Or you collaborate with your significant other to cover the time for one of your primary interests. Maybe you carve out an hour for a yoga class, a solo walk or dinner with a friend (for adult conversation). Maybe you get up before the house does, just to have a quiet cup of coffee and a moment to breathe before the train departs from the station.

These small acts are not selfish. These small moments are essential, keeping you connected to your internal gauge, so you can see how you’re doing and who you are.

Our culture loves the idea of the self-sacrificing mother, but that narrative is outdated and unhealthy. When someone touts, “She always puts everyone else first,” I don’t think, “Wow, what a wonderful person.” I think, “That’s not healthy or sustainable.”

Our children learn by watching us. Show them what a vibrant, meaningful life looks like. If they see you constantly ignoring your own needs, they learn to ignore theirs. But if they see you fully alive — laughing with friends, pursuing hobbies, setting goals — they learn how to value their own lives too.

Parenting isn’t just a short “season.” The first eighteen years is a long stretch of life. Don’t put your identity on pause for nearly two decades. Kids who witness a fulfilled parent don’t wonder how to become one.

You probably know exactly what everyone else in your house needs at any given moment … that invisible mental load is real. But when was the last time you asked yourself what you need?

We can all sit with that question for a bit and see what comes up.

Maybe you miss something simple, like dancing in the kitchen. One day I realized I stopped dancing. So I started turning up the music to enjoy spontaneous dance parties with my daughters. We swap songs, laugh and move.

I have a friend who never skips her gym time because it’s her mental reset. She says it makes her a better mom. Another devours audiobooks, more than a dozen a month, because stories light her up. Both of these women also work full-time. Partaking in these little joys keeps us grounded in who we are.

Parenting doesn’t freeze your own growth. Adults evolve too. Give yourself permission to change. Take a class. Start a project. Explore a new hobby, even if you only get 10 minutes a day. Ten minutes can add up if it’s something you do daily.

I realized recently that I missed dressing up. Working from home made it easy to live in athletic pants, ready for dog walks, hitting the gym and school pickups. But when I take the time to put on a great outfit, I feel more energetic and more like me. Small choices like that matter. They remind us that we’re still our own person.

When we nurture our sense of self, we show up better for everyone else because we are operating from a healthier, more fulfilled headspace. It’s not indulgence; it’s real self-care.

Want to reconnect with yourself? Try these questions:

Your answers might surprise you — or simply remind you of something you’ve been missing.