What do you wish you knew when you were younger?

It’s a popular question and a tricky one. It assumes you should have known more, done better, chosen differently. It invites regret.

Were we supposed to start thinking about investing in our 401(k) when we were 10? Could we skip that awkward phase when we are all limbs with braces? Avoid dating the glaringly obvious wrong person?

Think of all the life school lessons you’d miss.

Here is a more compassionate question to ask yourself: What if you knew exactly what you were supposed to know at that time?

Ah, feels like a long exhale.

Your life is not supposed to be a perfectly curated film. It’s a living, breathing story. We don’t get the luxury of going back and editing or reshooting the scene, but we can use what we learn as we step forward. Life is a shape-shifting work of art. And our beautiful stories will include giant missteps; it’s just part of the human experience.

You said the wrong thing. Or stayed too long. 

You trusted someone you shouldn’t have. Or forgot who you were for a period of time. Maybe you didn’t trust yourself when you should have. You have some cringey memories. Or can point to choices you’d redo.

This is how life is sometimes.

That uncomfortable swirl of fond memories with the wish of doing some things differently? It isn’t failure.  We are growing. We learn far more from painful life lessons than we do from our most joyous moments. 

What if we just decided to wrap our arms around it all? Proof of living comes from the whole picture:

The problem isn’t that we take detours. The problem is how harshly we judge ourselves for taking them. Replaying scenes. Beating yourself up. Wishing you could take an eraser to a moment in time.

Ruminating causes a lot of emotional turmoil when we could meet the memory with compassion. You are not supposed to be infallible.

We could give ourselves a soft place to land. With curiosity and compassion, we could slow down and understand our choices and choose not to judge yourself. What if you focused on what you learned instead?

Discomfort is part of the human experience. Regret, embarrassment, disappointment aren’t signs you failed. These are feelings of being alive. Emotional tolerance is a skill to practice. When uneasy thoughts show up, try telling yourself:

When people reflect on what they wish they understood earlier, common themes emerge. Here’s what people say they struggle with most. Each carries an invitation.

You were born enough. Not when you achieved more. Not when you were chosen. Not when you proved something. Enough is inherent, not earned. We don’t look at our infant in our arms and think they aren’t enough. Why do we think this as adults?

Our culture rewards achievement. Grades. Promotions. Trophies. Followers. There’s nothing wrong with striving. Accomplishments are meant to celebrate hard work, not define your identity. When your worth is internally grounded, you can pursue goals without letting outcomes determine your value. You can lose without losing yourself.

Healthy relationships start with self-awareness. Psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb says, “We marry our unfinished business.” Yet we are less likely to choose unfinished business when we do the work on ourselves first. Our work is not fixing someone else. It’s tending to our own patterns, wounds and growth. When you bring your healthiest self into a relationship, everything shifts.

If you make choices for approval, you slowly disconnect from yourself. Authenticity happens when your words and actions align with your inner voice. When they do, your body knows. There’s steadiness there. You don’t need to shatter every external mirror overnight. Just start noticing when you’re choosing yourself over the expectations of others.

Personal development legend Jim Rohn said it best: “Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.” Worry is marinating in feeling bad. Action moves you, while presence and gratitude ground you.

Detours are just part of the journey. You cannot judge your past self with your current wisdom. You know more now because of what you lived through then.

Compassion means embracing the whole story, not just the polished parts. Every success, every misstep and every in-between season was time spent learning how to be you.

The next time someone asks what you wish you knew when you were younger, maybe say, “I knew exactly what I was meant to know at that time.” Let’s be gentle with ourselves.

You can offer grace to the version of you who was simply doing their best. We don’t have to spend a lot of time on what we’d redo. We can just follow Maya Angelou’s eloquent words: “When you know better, do better.”