When I picked up our twin 11-year-old daughters from a dance team sleepover, my daughter Sydney got in the car and said, “I’m tired of people.” I laughed loudly. This is who she is. She loves her quiet time. One of her favorite things to do is disappear into the adventure or mystery of a book and resurface when she’s finished. Knowing this about her, I try to make sure she gets time to herself. She needs it to recharge. Without it, she’s likely to be irritable or running on empty.

This is real self-care. Knowing who you are.

Yes to exercise, getting eight hours of sleep and eating whole foods. Yes to the massages, the spas, the vacations, zoning out to Netflix and box breathing. Yes to the stretching we always say we are going to do and never do. Yes to getting morning sunlight and the perfect cup of coffee or tea. All of these things are forms of self-care, but we won’t truly feel cared for if we don’t pay attention to what we really need.

Real self-care is having the ability to tell yourself the truth … even when it’s uncomfortable. When I was just starting out on my own after college, I learned a valuable lesson about getting better versus feeling better. The easier choices felt better. Stay with the boyfriend that I knew wasn’t right for me because it would be painful to break up. He was familiar. Stay with jobs I was overqualified for because they felt safe. Avoid risk because I might fail. All of these choices felt better because they weren’t disruptive. I was playing it safe, nice and cozy.

Getting better meant upsetting the apple cart, taking risk and venturing into the unknown with my wavering confidence. Feeling better came with a big price tag of not being authentic and living small. Getting better meant making decisions that made me uncomfortable. Now I know that uncomfortableness is the tunnel to where happiness lives. If a decision feels good, we should immediately question if we are choosing it only because it’s easier and safer. Getting better involves growth and comes with that icky feeling that we have to do something we don’t want to do.

Sometimes we expect people to be like us. I love journaling so much that I have often wondered why everyone doesn’t do it. It’s how I can hear myself at my core when life has me feeling like I’m working the conveyer belt at the chocolate factory in that famous I Love Lucy episode. I have to journal so I can keep up with the chocolates. Journaling is my way of getting life to stop for a minute so I can take it all in and process everything. I often say writing is how I think. Mention journaling to some people and they will glaze over. Good gawd, hard no. This is good; it means they know exactly what they like and don’t like. Lean in to what you like and get more of that on your life plate.

My husband and I were joking the other day about how I process by journaling or talking. Fortunately, he’s a good listener. While he’s also a talker, he’s definitely more of an internal processor. Knowing this about him, I can have a better relationship with him because I don’t expect him to process like I do or expect him to be me. It’s funny when we sometimes expect people to act like we do when they are entirely different people. Letting people be who they are is a loving act. Authentically being and accepting who you are is a loving act of self-care.

Self-care is being authentic about your needs, emotions and limitations. Sometimes people are dismissive of emotions, psychology and self-reflection as if these are extraneous soft skills that don’t pay the bills or get the job done. In my book, these are grit skills that will determine the authenticity and quality of your life. Take some time to be reflective of your needs, emotions and limitations. Periodically do a check-in and ask yourself some questions to keep yourself aligned when life throws you off track.

Our daughter Riley loves to organize. She will not go to sleep if her room is a mess. Her clothes are organized in her closet by color. She sometimes offers to organize her sister’s desk or bathroom drawer and is actually excited about a new silverware organizer we purchased. Riley gets mental clarity and peace of mind when things are in their place. Knowing this, we give her plenty of time to get her room how she likes it before her yellow winking sleep mask comes on and she drifts off to dreamland.

Knowing yourself and giving yourself what you need is the best kind of self-care.