By Ed LaFreniere

Humorist Dave Barry once said, “If you had to identify in one word the reason

why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that

word would be meetings."

Having attended a few local public sessions and Zoom discussions recently, I can

report that words can be spoken for hours on end to the point where participants

feel as if they’re in a Tower of Babel, unable to comprehend a word that others are

saying – leaving everyone bumfuzzled and getting a bad case of the collywobbles

in the gut.

Sometimes you hear really weird topics addressed ad nauseum, like whether a

fence post is three inches beyond a legal boundary … or debating whether to issue

a proclamation to celebrate National Egg Beater Day … or rereading 11 pages of

minutes from the previous meeting because of a controversy over the flushing of

city sewers ... or discussing whether Robert’s Rules of Order allow reconsideration

of a failed motion to add Kit Kats to the vending machine.

These sessions can be so tedious that you end up zoning out, if not feeling wholly

dispirited. In fact, it makes you wonder things like whether Tchaikovsky wrote his

famed Symphony No. 6 (Pathetique) -- often interpreted as a direct expression of

his own deep melancholy, despair, and inconsolable anguish – while sitting through

a four-hour meeting focused on maintenance schedules for street cleaning equipment.

Tedium can invade private residential boards as well. Examples: A homeowner

demanded a ban on “aggressive wind chimes,” saying he was getting PTSD from

tinnitus … a board created a rule that garage doors must be opened exactly halfway

during afternoon hours “for aesthetic ventilation consistency” … an HOA fined a

woman because her birdbath attracted unapproved species (“That’s a crow, ma’am.

Only sparrows and finches are authorized.”) … and a new rule forbade residents

from saying “Good morning” to security guards after 9 a.m. because “it’s factually

inaccurate.”

Someone asked me recently if I would ever be interested in running for a local

position. I feigned interest and declared, "Sure! If I can have my own private

cyanide dispenser or a noose that fits my neck perfectly, for use at will during

budget deliberations. So, no. Not a chance.

In fact, during one recent meeting, to which blessedly I had brought my computer, I distracted myself by searching for Internet anecdotes about strange and funny things that have happened at meetings around the world. Here is but a small sample of stunts and gags that attendees have tried to pull off:

• Tried to slither out quietly and tripped over the projector cable, yanking it out of the socket and interrupting his boss’s presentation.

• Demonstrated artistic talent by doodling a cartoon of the marketing VP as a dragon, as she walked around the room and discreetly kept viewing his progress.

• Pretended to take notes but was actually playing tic-tac-toe with her neighbor, using the O’s to draw funny faces of the participants.

• Forgot to silence his phone. The ringtone? “Who Let the Dogs Out?”

• During a nonprofit board meeting, after discussing several large bequests, one

university president said loudly, “Aren’t you glad all those people died?” (Dead silence, so to speak, I would imagine).

• An elderly board member lowered his chair so much that only his chin cleared the table; to avoid embarrassing him, everyone else did the same thing. He laughed.

• Several participants were caught playing Candy Crush while marketing projections were being shown.

• A salesman brought a ukulele to an annual meeting and quietly started thumbing to entertain himself — completely ignoring the presentation. Gradually everyone joined in singing the song - "We Gotta Get Out of This Place", by The Animals.

• An employee who appeared to be typing notes was asked to go back over a previous comment and reread it. However, she had been playing Solitaire under the table for the entire two-hour strategy session.

• A budget review was so boring that two coworkers started folding and throwing

paper airplanes. Within ten minutes, half the room was laughing and ducking – even the Chief Financial Officer.

• A computer engineer kept tossing popcorn in the air and catching it in his mouth while nodding.

• Someone brought a sock puppet to “comment” during the meeting, waving it

over the table while nodding or shaking its head at key points.

Some wags have come up with creative observations: “I survived another

meeting that should have been an email." “Meetings: where minutes are kept

and hours are lost.” “If you think your job is pointless, remember—someone’s

getting paid to schedule meetings about meetings.” “Half the people in this

meeting are Googling ‘how to fake an internet outage’ ” “If we hold one more meeting, we can form a support group about meetings.” and finally, “The most important decision made was whether to adjourn for a bathroom break.”

If you ever find yourself with cabin fever, please call me and we can go to a local

hearing. Don’t forget your computer, your sense of humor, your popcorn, and just in case, your ukelele.