Imagine your sweetheart handing you a card on Valentine’s Day. The outside is covered with glittery pink and red hearts, and lots of x’s and o’s. In the center are shiny silver cursive letters that read: I will try to love you forever! 

The inside of the card reveals a handwritten note: Dear Valentine, I tried to find time to go to the candy store and buy your favorite double-dipped chocolate macaroons, but I never got around to it. I will try harder next time!  

This gesture doesn’t quite shoot an arrow through your heart—in a good way—does it? In your imagination, you might be walking slowly toward an exit, saying, “I’ll try to be right back, honey!”

Of course, this is a dramatic example of how trying can break up a romantic relationship pretty quickly. But how many times have you been on the receiving end of a loved one’s I-tried-my-hardest effort—an effort you felt was only half-hearted? How many times have you tried and failed at pulling off a grand display of love—perhaps because your whole heart wasn’t in it either?

Love is all about giving our whole heart to someone we care deeply about. Think of love as a verb—it’s what we do to express how much another person means to us. Think of trying as a thought—it’s what we think about doing but don’t actually do.

Trying doesn’t build emotional closeness. Trying protects you from accountability as it softens your responsibility and lowers expectations.  Take the spouse who’s trying to be more attentive, but the most they offer are excuses for why they aren’t spending more time with you. Or the fiancé who tries to be more communicative but keeps ignoring your phone calls. Or the date who tries to be supportive but disappears when a difficult situation you’re dealing with isn’t convenient for them. Or maybe you are the person who’s trying in your relationship.

When you only try to be a good partner, what you’re really doing is building an escape hatch.  If you forget the chocolates, don’t return phone calls, or don’t show up when you’re needed, it’s easy to blame some outside force that kept you from doing what you said you would do.  You can justify this behavior because, well, you only said you would try right?

When someone says, “I’ll try,” what they really mean is, “I want you to be aware of my intention, but I don’t want to be held accountable for the outcome.”  But in relationships, trying isn’t enough.  trying doesn’t work because relationships cannot survive on intention alone. Trying can be the very thing that keeps love from deepening. 

Relationships require action and accountability. And not just on one day of the year. So if you want to show your special someone that you care, decide what you will do and follow through on it all year long.