Let me introduce myself properly. The name is Patches. My human calls me baby girl, the lizards in the backyard call me their worst nightmare, and everyone else calls me entertaining. I am four years old and I am, by actual scientific DNA analysis, a magnificent blend of nineteen breeds. Nineteen. Chihuahua, Dachshund, Shih Tzu, Poodle and a whole bunch of other fabulous contributors to this little masterpiece you see before you. I like to think of myself as a limited edition. 

My mom spotted me at a PACA (People’s Anti Cruelty Association) event and the second she picked me up something shifted for both of us. I had never known what it felt like to be safe and she had a lot of love to give. Four days later she lost her sister, and I think that's the thing about destiny, it doesn't announce itself. It just quietly puts the right souls in the same place at the right time. She needed me and I needed her and neither of us had any idea how much until it mattered most. 

My story didn't start with soft blankets and squeaky toys. I was found in a dumpster on a reservation, and whatever happened before that taught me to be cautious. I don't warm up to just anyone, and honestly, I probably never will. 

I don't just hand out trust like free snacks. That's not how this operation works. I prefer a thorough evaluation process involving observation, cautious optimism, and a reasonable amount of side-eye. 

Once I've decided you're one of my people, though, everything changes. I love hard. I'll follow you everywhere, keep watch over you, and dedicate myself to protecting you from suspicious delivery drivers, rogue squirrels, and any other threats I deem worthy of my attention. 

These days, life is pretty sweet. My mornings usually consist of a trip outside, breakfast, and snuggles. In that order, please. I do have standards. Evenings are reserved for spending time with my humans, keeping watch over the neighborhood, and accepting snacks. Carrots, apples, dog treats... I'm not particularly picky. I consider it my duty to graciously sample anything offered in the interest of quality control.

But enough about my emotional depth. Let's talk about my talents because this is where I really shine.

The basics? Sit, stay, and shake hands with either paw because I'm an equal opportunity paw-shaker. I can spin in circles, balance on my hind legs, and generally perform at an elite level when compensation is involved. 

My signature move, however, is pure theater. When my mom points her finger and says "bang," I dramatically collapse onto the bed as though I've just starred in the final scene of an action movie. Full commitment. Standing ovation worthy. I only perform this stunt on soft surfaces, though. I'm a professional, not a lunatic.

These days I hunt lizards, perform tricks, and oversee household operations. 

I'd say I landed on all four paws.